Well, I didn't make any half-baked resolutions to blog more this year, so I haven't felt the least bit guilty for neglecting this ol' page. I have been writing more, though. Daily journaling - full of those mushy, private (sometimes homicidal) thoughts not fit for human consumption and Grant Writing - the best and worst part of my new and improved job responsibilities.
In fact, I didn't make any resolutions this year with the exception of one - which I had already adopted mid-summer. "Enjoy your life."
I often talk about life on the stage and how some theatre directors have really had an impact on my personal life as well as my professional performance. Matthew Wiener's instructions to "find the joy" (in the character/situation) translated into a daily mantra for my personal life. I consider myself a generally happy person. As the product of a teen pregnancy, I think my gratitude to be here on this planet was developed at an early age. That storyline could have gone much differently. But I lost a lot of my 'joy' somewhere along the line. A little tweak in my perspective (and perhaps some therapy) has helped to hit my reset button and get me back to some basics.
Three years ago today, I was driving cross-country from AZ to FL to begin a new phase of adulting with my (then) boyfriend of about 12 years. Approximately one year ago, that phase had crashed and burned and I began the slow plummet of "I'm about to turn 40, my romantic/domestic partnership has ended, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life." (Up until recently, I've had the habit of making unrealistic plans and using them to motivate me, which only served to 'feed the wolf' that was my inner incompetent self-loather.) I'd set a lofty goal, fail to meet those standards (or literally break down in the process) and then beat myself up over it. Not a very productive cycle.
In the past year, I've stopped worrying about who I want to be when I grow up and started to truly embrace who I am now. All of the trials and struggles and victories have led me to this moment, and all that is left is to 'find the joy' in where I am and who I am. No, I didn't lose weight, run a marathon, reverse the aging process or win the lottery. But I'm eating healthier and taking my vitamins every day, so that's a good start.
My job responsibilities have increased in intensity in the past 9 months, but I'm afforded the opportunity to write and I'm improving and enhancing those skills and learning new ones every day. The icing on the cake is that my work is making a positive, tangible, profound difference in the lives of others. On a daily basis, I get to help hundreds of girls just like me - who have immense potential and just need the opportunity to realize and unleash it. I have a passion and an appreciation for this job that is unique to my experience and my eclectic collection of random skills and knowledge. I work with amazing women who are positive, affirming, stellar human beings with sharp brains and big hearts. It's easy to find the joy there.
In the past year, I've been able to set a budget (and stick with it), pay all of my bills on time, acquire additional side-projects (theatre shows) for extra cash, fund a few adventures, purchase some new furniture for my bedroom/living room/patio, visit family for Christmas (and still afford gifts for everyone), slide some extra money to my dynamo daughter (who is feeling the effects of adulting in her own world), donate to charity and contribute to several of my friends' GoFundMe campaigns, and pay down my car loan, in addition to repairing my credit and finally qualifying for a (humble) home mortgage. BY MYSELF. No help, no handouts, no joint income. This may not seem like a big deal to others, but it's HUGE for me. I was on my own for a short time at the age of 18, but I was married before I turned 19 and have always lived with someone, whether it be a romantic partner or a roommate. Even in times when that partner wasn't a financial support, it always 'felt' like I had a support pillar and that I wasn't facing that responsibility alone, Well, I removed that support pillar and found out it wasn't load-bearing. The roof didn't cave in on me. After a few months of tip-toeing around and eyeing the ceiling with some trepidation, I finally exhaled - and found the joy.
I completed all of my required training hours to become a "certified" grantwriter, earned my boater's license, spent a good many hours on the beach and in the ocean, and am on my way to a SCUBA license. I took road trips, plane trips, vacation days for no reason, stayed up all night some nights and slept in on others. All with great amounts of 'joy'.
I stopped worrying about my social status, my financial status, my marital status and everything else that the world around me hails as markers of success for where I "should" be. I'm happy to be a strong, artistic, independent, working woman with brilliant children, a stable home, and a daily existence filled with joy and promise.
So, I'm able to say that the New Year did not produce a 'new' me... it just helped me to realize what I have always been capable of.
Find the joy. The rest will follow.
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