Today, my son turned eighteen.
After a series of emotional texts with my ex-husband (his dad), I took to digging out his baby book just for old time's sake.
I found a letter tucked into the back - the envelope was sealed - and on the front was written "To Bubba: On his 18th Birthday".
To give a little history here, I have very few things that I've held on to for 18 years. My social security card, a couple pieces of jewelry that belonged to my Nanny and my Mamo, my childhood bible... and photos. That's about it.
I broke the seal and opened the letter and so many emotions came flooding back - I was instantly transported to the hallway floor of my first apartment where I penned that letter over 18 years ago. We were still throwing around names for our baby boy, but because he was such a brute in-utero, we took to calling him 'Bubba'.
Eighteen years ago, a very nervous 18-year-old girl wrote the following:
12/14/1993
"Dear 'Bubba',
I don't know you yet. I don't even know what we're going to name you. But I already love you. You're due in a week, but there's a possibility that we might be bringing you home before then. I still can't believe how much my life has changed in the past six months. And how much it's going to change in the next week.
My mom was there when I heard your heartbeat for the first time. It sounded like static to me at first, but then I heard it like the rhythm of a washing machine, strong and steady.
I was reading a book and drinking iced tea this summer the first time I felt you move. At first I thought it was gas... it was just the tiniest, softest flutter, like I had swallowed a moth. It didn't take very long for that soft tickle to turn into blips and bumps and elbows in my ribs. We know you're a boy and we know you're strong. So your dad and I have been calling you 'Bubba'.
I sing to you every day and I talk to you on my walk home from work. I can't imagine what the neighbors must think about the crazy pregnant girl who talks to herself!
You'll know this growing up, 'cuz you'll learn math in public school, but your dad and I only got married a little over a month ago. We waited because we wanted to make sure we were getting married for the right reasons. I'm still not sure I even know what the right reasons are. But I know that we love each other. And we love you. We fought our family and each other for you. You're not even here and you're already the most important person in our lives.
I just got a crappy little roach-infested apartment close to work because I have no car, but I have a good job and health insurance. So, I've got a head start on this 'adulthood' thing, I think. We're facing a lot of challenges right now and I'm sad to say that you're going to have a rough start in this world. But hey, so did Jesus, right? Not that I'm the Virgin Mary... VERY far from it!... but more on that when you're older.
I'm scared. I don't know if I'll be a good mom. But I promise to try. I promise to love you more than anyone else possibly could. I promise to stick by you when the rest of the world has turned its back on you. I promise that as long as I'm alive, you will be welcome in my home and in my arms. I promise to teach you what I can. I promise to learn. I promise to grow.
I can't wait to meet you.
I love you.
Love,
Mom
PS. That's the first time I've signed the word 'mom'. I think I like it."
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