My son left yesterday for recruit training, and boy was it messy!
For starters, he enlisted in the DEP (delayed entry program) in order to give notice at work and get his affairs in order, visit family out west, etc. So, when he was told he was shipping on the 17th, we figured it was due to the MLK holiday. Wrong. On Sunday morning, he realized that he'd actually be leaving on Monday to hit MEPS before shipping out.
I crumbled.
We had planned the weekend around getting his big and bulky items into storage. (His motorcycle, tools, auto equipment, and anything else too heavy or bulky for me to move by myself.) We'd get his room organized and get the rest in on Monday - or so we thought.
I wanted to make sure he was able to rest up before hitting his first week, so I told him to just worry about the priority items and I'd take care of the rest while he's gone. Because I like to torture myself. Folding up his clothes - some from Christmas with the tags still on them - and finding pages torn out of notepads with his hand-written notes for work, gaming, personal agendas... and then the stuff that he specifically and purposely set aside for me - his cap/gown and diploma, photos and mementos...
I think I always knew that my daughter would be the first to leave the nest. She's ambitious and a self-starter - motivated and driven. David is a lot like me in that he spends a lot of time exploring and discovering things to determine where his interest (and talents) will take him. I knew it would take him a little longer to decide which direction he was going to go, but I wasn't really ready for him to go just yet.
My apartment is eerily quiet - which usually means he's about to jump out from behind something to scare the crap out of me - but not this time. If I'm lucky, I'll get a phone call reading off his requisite script that he's arrived. I have my letter-writing supplies at the ready. Every stitch of his laundry has been washed, folded and packed away. I'm still finding his Auto Zone receipts and empty soda cans in random places. So, yeah... the last 24 hours have been spent working, cleaning, crying, "stress-pooping" and eating ice cream.
I'm nervous for him and I couldn't sleep at all last night. But I'm proud. So proud. My sweet little freckle-faced 'bubba'. I miss the hell out of him already.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Friday, May 13, 2016
Hellooooo, Life!
It has been a good many months since I last updated, *I think*, but as is the case with this crazy life on this absurd planet - a lot has happened.
My daughter is about to embark on her last year of college and her 21st birthday. (It's so surreal to even type that. My baby is turning 21. When the F@*# did this happen, and why wasn't I consulted?) She is loving her internship as a 911 dispatcher, and making almost as much money as I do. She's pretty much the most amazing young woman on the planet as far as I'm concerned.
My son is about 2 years into his current job and going to PT on Tuesdays and Thursdays to prep himself for his enlistment, which will begin the first week of December. Two weeks before his birthday and 3 weeks before Christmas. *Cue ugly cry* The holidays will be hard this year. So hard. I'm immeasurably proud of him. He's taking on a challenge that he knows will be hard and unpleasant (I certainly know that I couldn't do it - even in my best physical and mental shape) but he's headstrong and tenacious, and pretty much the most amazing young man on the planet as far as I'm concerned.
And then there's me... I feel like I've been writing nonstop for months. I've spent a good majority of my time basking in the light of the computer monitor (which is not the most flattering lighting, by the way) for both personal and professional exploits. Work is going very well, and I'm grateful every day to be putting my energy into the pursuit of a better world for the bright, incredible, resilient little girls I've come to know and love. My work (and those girls) have been the catalyst for some personal changes in my life as well.
I've opened up about some of my own experiences, which has given me a voice in the advocacy for a solid education and the pursuit of opportunities to bridge the gender divide. I've also been in therapy for over a year to learn better coping mechanisms and (ironically enough) communication skills. That's a rollicking good time, let me tell you...
Writing has been cathartic but it has had a purpose, most of which is scholarship applications, college entrance essays and required writing samples. Yup, I'm going back to school. Considering my workload, it's bound to be a huge challenge, but there are a bevy of accelerated distance learning programs. I applied to several (which admittedly hurt my wallet, but I suppose I need to get used to that) and as of today I've received acceptance letters from USF and *drumroll, please* the extension program at UC Berkeley.
My motivations are both personal and professional - I'd like to have the knowledge and the credentials to do more than I'm doing now in the nonprofit (or corporate) world, and I need the personal fulfillment. I'm done with the cycle of learned helplessness. I'm done believing those who have called me 'stupid'. I know better.
So, there ya have it - my little world in a nutshell. Perhaps I'll update in another 5 months or so... but don't hold your breath. I'm nothing if not spontaneous and inconsistent. :)
Namaste, friends.
My daughter is about to embark on her last year of college and her 21st birthday. (It's so surreal to even type that. My baby is turning 21. When the F@*# did this happen, and why wasn't I consulted?) She is loving her internship as a 911 dispatcher, and making almost as much money as I do. She's pretty much the most amazing young woman on the planet as far as I'm concerned.
My son is about 2 years into his current job and going to PT on Tuesdays and Thursdays to prep himself for his enlistment, which will begin the first week of December. Two weeks before his birthday and 3 weeks before Christmas. *Cue ugly cry* The holidays will be hard this year. So hard. I'm immeasurably proud of him. He's taking on a challenge that he knows will be hard and unpleasant (I certainly know that I couldn't do it - even in my best physical and mental shape) but he's headstrong and tenacious, and pretty much the most amazing young man on the planet as far as I'm concerned.
And then there's me... I feel like I've been writing nonstop for months. I've spent a good majority of my time basking in the light of the computer monitor (which is not the most flattering lighting, by the way) for both personal and professional exploits. Work is going very well, and I'm grateful every day to be putting my energy into the pursuit of a better world for the bright, incredible, resilient little girls I've come to know and love. My work (and those girls) have been the catalyst for some personal changes in my life as well.
I've opened up about some of my own experiences, which has given me a voice in the advocacy for a solid education and the pursuit of opportunities to bridge the gender divide. I've also been in therapy for over a year to learn better coping mechanisms and (ironically enough) communication skills. That's a rollicking good time, let me tell you...
Writing has been cathartic but it has had a purpose, most of which is scholarship applications, college entrance essays and required writing samples. Yup, I'm going back to school. Considering my workload, it's bound to be a huge challenge, but there are a bevy of accelerated distance learning programs. I applied to several (which admittedly hurt my wallet, but I suppose I need to get used to that) and as of today I've received acceptance letters from USF and *drumroll, please* the extension program at UC Berkeley.
My motivations are both personal and professional - I'd like to have the knowledge and the credentials to do more than I'm doing now in the nonprofit (or corporate) world, and I need the personal fulfillment. I'm done with the cycle of learned helplessness. I'm done believing those who have called me 'stupid'. I know better.
So, there ya have it - my little world in a nutshell. Perhaps I'll update in another 5 months or so... but don't hold your breath. I'm nothing if not spontaneous and inconsistent. :)
Namaste, friends.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
New Year, New You? ...NOPE!
Well, I didn't make any half-baked resolutions to blog more this year, so I haven't felt the least bit guilty for neglecting this ol' page. I have been writing more, though. Daily journaling - full of those mushy, private (sometimes homicidal) thoughts not fit for human consumption and Grant Writing - the best and worst part of my new and improved job responsibilities.
In fact, I didn't make any resolutions this year with the exception of one - which I had already adopted mid-summer. "Enjoy your life."
I often talk about life on the stage and how some theatre directors have really had an impact on my personal life as well as my professional performance. Matthew Wiener's instructions to "find the joy" (in the character/situation) translated into a daily mantra for my personal life. I consider myself a generally happy person. As the product of a teen pregnancy, I think my gratitude to be here on this planet was developed at an early age. That storyline could have gone much differently. But I lost a lot of my 'joy' somewhere along the line. A little tweak in my perspective (and perhaps some therapy) has helped to hit my reset button and get me back to some basics.
Three years ago today, I was driving cross-country from AZ to FL to begin a new phase of adulting with my (then) boyfriend of about 12 years. Approximately one year ago, that phase had crashed and burned and I began the slow plummet of "I'm about to turn 40, my romantic/domestic partnership has ended, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life." (Up until recently, I've had the habit of making unrealistic plans and using them to motivate me, which only served to 'feed the wolf' that was my inner incompetent self-loather.) I'd set a lofty goal, fail to meet those standards (or literally break down in the process) and then beat myself up over it. Not a very productive cycle.
In the past year, I've stopped worrying about who I want to be when I grow up and started to truly embrace who I am now. All of the trials and struggles and victories have led me to this moment, and all that is left is to 'find the joy' in where I am and who I am. No, I didn't lose weight, run a marathon, reverse the aging process or win the lottery. But I'm eating healthier and taking my vitamins every day, so that's a good start.
My job responsibilities have increased in intensity in the past 9 months, but I'm afforded the opportunity to write and I'm improving and enhancing those skills and learning new ones every day. The icing on the cake is that my work is making a positive, tangible, profound difference in the lives of others. On a daily basis, I get to help hundreds of girls just like me - who have immense potential and just need the opportunity to realize and unleash it. I have a passion and an appreciation for this job that is unique to my experience and my eclectic collection of random skills and knowledge. I work with amazing women who are positive, affirming, stellar human beings with sharp brains and big hearts. It's easy to find the joy there.
In the past year, I've been able to set a budget (and stick with it), pay all of my bills on time, acquire additional side-projects (theatre shows) for extra cash, fund a few adventures, purchase some new furniture for my bedroom/living room/patio, visit family for Christmas (and still afford gifts for everyone), slide some extra money to my dynamo daughter (who is feeling the effects of adulting in her own world), donate to charity and contribute to several of my friends' GoFundMe campaigns, and pay down my car loan, in addition to repairing my credit and finally qualifying for a (humble) home mortgage. BY MYSELF. No help, no handouts, no joint income. This may not seem like a big deal to others, but it's HUGE for me. I was on my own for a short time at the age of 18, but I was married before I turned 19 and have always lived with someone, whether it be a romantic partner or a roommate. Even in times when that partner wasn't a financial support, it always 'felt' like I had a support pillar and that I wasn't facing that responsibility alone, Well, I removed that support pillar and found out it wasn't load-bearing. The roof didn't cave in on me. After a few months of tip-toeing around and eyeing the ceiling with some trepidation, I finally exhaled - and found the joy.
I completed all of my required training hours to become a "certified" grantwriter, earned my boater's license, spent a good many hours on the beach and in the ocean, and am on my way to a SCUBA license. I took road trips, plane trips, vacation days for no reason, stayed up all night some nights and slept in on others. All with great amounts of 'joy'.
I stopped worrying about my social status, my financial status, my marital status and everything else that the world around me hails as markers of success for where I "should" be. I'm happy to be a strong, artistic, independent, working woman with brilliant children, a stable home, and a daily existence filled with joy and promise.
So, I'm able to say that the New Year did not produce a 'new' me... it just helped me to realize what I have always been capable of.
Find the joy. The rest will follow.
In fact, I didn't make any resolutions this year with the exception of one - which I had already adopted mid-summer. "Enjoy your life."
I often talk about life on the stage and how some theatre directors have really had an impact on my personal life as well as my professional performance. Matthew Wiener's instructions to "find the joy" (in the character/situation) translated into a daily mantra for my personal life. I consider myself a generally happy person. As the product of a teen pregnancy, I think my gratitude to be here on this planet was developed at an early age. That storyline could have gone much differently. But I lost a lot of my 'joy' somewhere along the line. A little tweak in my perspective (and perhaps some therapy) has helped to hit my reset button and get me back to some basics.
Three years ago today, I was driving cross-country from AZ to FL to begin a new phase of adulting with my (then) boyfriend of about 12 years. Approximately one year ago, that phase had crashed and burned and I began the slow plummet of "I'm about to turn 40, my romantic/domestic partnership has ended, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life." (Up until recently, I've had the habit of making unrealistic plans and using them to motivate me, which only served to 'feed the wolf' that was my inner incompetent self-loather.) I'd set a lofty goal, fail to meet those standards (or literally break down in the process) and then beat myself up over it. Not a very productive cycle.
In the past year, I've stopped worrying about who I want to be when I grow up and started to truly embrace who I am now. All of the trials and struggles and victories have led me to this moment, and all that is left is to 'find the joy' in where I am and who I am. No, I didn't lose weight, run a marathon, reverse the aging process or win the lottery. But I'm eating healthier and taking my vitamins every day, so that's a good start.
My job responsibilities have increased in intensity in the past 9 months, but I'm afforded the opportunity to write and I'm improving and enhancing those skills and learning new ones every day. The icing on the cake is that my work is making a positive, tangible, profound difference in the lives of others. On a daily basis, I get to help hundreds of girls just like me - who have immense potential and just need the opportunity to realize and unleash it. I have a passion and an appreciation for this job that is unique to my experience and my eclectic collection of random skills and knowledge. I work with amazing women who are positive, affirming, stellar human beings with sharp brains and big hearts. It's easy to find the joy there.
In the past year, I've been able to set a budget (and stick with it), pay all of my bills on time, acquire additional side-projects (theatre shows) for extra cash, fund a few adventures, purchase some new furniture for my bedroom/living room/patio, visit family for Christmas (and still afford gifts for everyone), slide some extra money to my dynamo daughter (who is feeling the effects of adulting in her own world), donate to charity and contribute to several of my friends' GoFundMe campaigns, and pay down my car loan, in addition to repairing my credit and finally qualifying for a (humble) home mortgage. BY MYSELF. No help, no handouts, no joint income. This may not seem like a big deal to others, but it's HUGE for me. I was on my own for a short time at the age of 18, but I was married before I turned 19 and have always lived with someone, whether it be a romantic partner or a roommate. Even in times when that partner wasn't a financial support, it always 'felt' like I had a support pillar and that I wasn't facing that responsibility alone, Well, I removed that support pillar and found out it wasn't load-bearing. The roof didn't cave in on me. After a few months of tip-toeing around and eyeing the ceiling with some trepidation, I finally exhaled - and found the joy.
I completed all of my required training hours to become a "certified" grantwriter, earned my boater's license, spent a good many hours on the beach and in the ocean, and am on my way to a SCUBA license. I took road trips, plane trips, vacation days for no reason, stayed up all night some nights and slept in on others. All with great amounts of 'joy'.
I stopped worrying about my social status, my financial status, my marital status and everything else that the world around me hails as markers of success for where I "should" be. I'm happy to be a strong, artistic, independent, working woman with brilliant children, a stable home, and a daily existence filled with joy and promise.
So, I'm able to say that the New Year did not produce a 'new' me... it just helped me to realize what I have always been capable of.
Find the joy. The rest will follow.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Homesick
I love adventuring.
I also love the renewed appreciation for stability that adventuring brings.
I'm homesick.
I miss my son and my cats and my sanctuary by the sea.
I miss my daughter and family/friends and my hometown in the desert.
Some days, I miss my life. This transition period has been a long one. It still feels foreign half the time. It doesn't help that I'm a 'fish out of water' and far from any place I call home.
Four (and a half) more days until I'm back on the road and headed home.
I miss my dog.
I also love the renewed appreciation for stability that adventuring brings.
I'm homesick.
I miss my son and my cats and my sanctuary by the sea.
I miss my daughter and family/friends and my hometown in the desert.
Some days, I miss my life. This transition period has been a long one. It still feels foreign half the time. It doesn't help that I'm a 'fish out of water' and far from any place I call home.
Four (and a half) more days until I'm back on the road and headed home.
I miss my dog.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Adventures In Little Rock - Part IV
I meant to blog throughout this entire adventure, but between work and the many hours spent putting up a show, I've had very little down-time. Now with only 10 more days on this contract, I finally found a few moments to sit down and reflect. (Perhaps enough moments to even make chocolate bowls to hold my dipped berries for the cast & crew.)
This is the fourth time I've been out in Little Rock to do a show at Arkansas Repertory Theatre. One of my dear friends (as far back as Elementary/Middle School) lives in this state, and I've made a handful of really great friends that have become part of my "chosen family" over the years.
That being said, I've previously traveled here alone - typically becoming homesick within the first several weeks of my arrival. This time, however, my sweetie insisted that he couldn't bear a 7-week absence. Since he works from home, he uprooted his life (and his home office) to come with me. We loaded up my car and set off on our first road trip together. (Road trips with me are ALWAYS an adventure!) Even though I've spent a lot of time at his place (I mean, his condo is right on the water - who wouldn't?) this is the first time we've been together 24/7 for longer than a few days or so.
So, there have been many firsts in the past month. My first time in Little Rock with a companion, my first time sharing the immersive, away-from-home, 'creative process' of musical theatre with a non-theatre person (cinema doesn't count - that's a totally different ballgame altogether), and my first time doing double-duty with a daytime job (telecommuting for an entire 7 weeks) and doing a show on top of those responsibilities. It has been a whirlwind!
I've had a bit of time to reflect and meditate, however, and the one characteristic I keep coming back to is gratitude. I'm so grateful for these experiences. Grateful for the work, the art, the support, the love, the encouragement, the partnerships... I'm grateful for the folly of my youth and the resulting appreciation for mature, learned, focused, unconditional relationships. I'm grateful for the friends I've made along the way and the contribution I can make to the world around me.
Being back here has reminded me that it takes very little energy to show gratitude and appreciation. It's an easy decision to make - to approach every day with gratitude and joy - and it's a daily decision.
I am so grateful. There's not a single day that I will take for granted. Living in peace with everything and everyone around me. Finding the joy, finding the bliss - and even creating it for myself and others when and where I can.
This is the fourth time I've been out in Little Rock to do a show at Arkansas Repertory Theatre. One of my dear friends (as far back as Elementary/Middle School) lives in this state, and I've made a handful of really great friends that have become part of my "chosen family" over the years.
That being said, I've previously traveled here alone - typically becoming homesick within the first several weeks of my arrival. This time, however, my sweetie insisted that he couldn't bear a 7-week absence. Since he works from home, he uprooted his life (and his home office) to come with me. We loaded up my car and set off on our first road trip together. (Road trips with me are ALWAYS an adventure!) Even though I've spent a lot of time at his place (I mean, his condo is right on the water - who wouldn't?) this is the first time we've been together 24/7 for longer than a few days or so.
So, there have been many firsts in the past month. My first time in Little Rock with a companion, my first time sharing the immersive, away-from-home, 'creative process' of musical theatre with a non-theatre person (cinema doesn't count - that's a totally different ballgame altogether), and my first time doing double-duty with a daytime job (telecommuting for an entire 7 weeks) and doing a show on top of those responsibilities. It has been a whirlwind!
I've had a bit of time to reflect and meditate, however, and the one characteristic I keep coming back to is gratitude. I'm so grateful for these experiences. Grateful for the work, the art, the support, the love, the encouragement, the partnerships... I'm grateful for the folly of my youth and the resulting appreciation for mature, learned, focused, unconditional relationships. I'm grateful for the friends I've made along the way and the contribution I can make to the world around me.
Being back here has reminded me that it takes very little energy to show gratitude and appreciation. It's an easy decision to make - to approach every day with gratitude and joy - and it's a daily decision.
I am so grateful. There's not a single day that I will take for granted. Living in peace with everything and everyone around me. Finding the joy, finding the bliss - and even creating it for myself and others when and where I can.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Prepping for the Next Adventure
One week from today.
I'm so excited about doing another show, that I'm almost giddy! At the same time, I've been dragging my feet when it comes to packing, so I'm frantically trying to get three weeks' worth of housework and work-work done in 6 days. We leave one week from today on our road trip to the buckle of the bible belt (aka Arkansas).
While Mr. S is not particularly a fan of musical theatre, he is an artist himself, and is supporting me fully in my return to the stage and the greasepaint. I'm thrilled that he'll be accompanying me to my 'home away from home', and that he'll get to meet some of "my people". After months of dating, it's about time for him to be inducted into my theatrical world.
Mr. S and I are also starting the preliminary development of a business venture, which stirred up some latent motivations. (It was all his idea - he's been pitching it for months, but I've been dragging my feet - a consistent theme, here.) After a lengthy walk on the beach, we finally settled on a plan and put it into action. So, my compartmentalized Dixie (TM) plate is now full to overflowing!
It is going to be a crazy ride for the next 8 weeks.
I can't wait!!
I'm so excited about doing another show, that I'm almost giddy! At the same time, I've been dragging my feet when it comes to packing, so I'm frantically trying to get three weeks' worth of housework and work-work done in 6 days. We leave one week from today on our road trip to the buckle of the bible belt (aka Arkansas).
While Mr. S is not particularly a fan of musical theatre, he is an artist himself, and is supporting me fully in my return to the stage and the greasepaint. I'm thrilled that he'll be accompanying me to my 'home away from home', and that he'll get to meet some of "my people". After months of dating, it's about time for him to be inducted into my theatrical world.
Mr. S and I are also starting the preliminary development of a business venture, which stirred up some latent motivations. (It was all his idea - he's been pitching it for months, but I've been dragging my feet - a consistent theme, here.) After a lengthy walk on the beach, we finally settled on a plan and put it into action. So, my compartmentalized Dixie (TM) plate is now full to overflowing!
It is going to be a crazy ride for the next 8 weeks.
I can't wait!!
Saturday, August 22, 2015
I'm Sailing Away...
This marks the last weekend that Mr. S is commuting to D.C. for his filming project, and I'm a bit sad for him (because the end of projects - and paychecks - are always bittersweet) but I'm also ecstatic to have my sweetie back without any 5am wake-up calls on the weekends!
We finally took the kayaks out again. What a workout! I have a love/hate relationship with any kind of distance, but the more we do it, the easier it gets. (Or so I'm told.) But the true water adventure of the week was his surprise suggestion that we go out sailing on Friday after work!
Holy cow, I just might pick up a new hobby!
We rented a Hobie catamaran for a few hours and were liberated by the wind! It was incredible! I needed some refreshing on my terminology, and I felt a little silly shouting, "Come About! Hard A-lee!" because it was just the two of us, but he's a good and patient teacher (and he hardly ever laughs at my awkward delivery or unfortunate lack of balance).
We had plenty of reason to celebrate. My sweetie will be home on the weekends again, and I just accepted a contract at The Rep to do a show. Very excited to tread the boards again - my original avenue for soul-liberation. Even more excited that Mr. S will be driving up with me.
"Set an open course for the virgin sea, 'cause I've got to be free..."
We finally took the kayaks out again. What a workout! I have a love/hate relationship with any kind of distance, but the more we do it, the easier it gets. (Or so I'm told.) But the true water adventure of the week was his surprise suggestion that we go out sailing on Friday after work!
Holy cow, I just might pick up a new hobby!
We rented a Hobie catamaran for a few hours and were liberated by the wind! It was incredible! I needed some refreshing on my terminology, and I felt a little silly shouting, "Come About! Hard A-lee!" because it was just the two of us, but he's a good and patient teacher (and he hardly ever laughs at my awkward delivery or unfortunate lack of balance).
We had plenty of reason to celebrate. My sweetie will be home on the weekends again, and I just accepted a contract at The Rep to do a show. Very excited to tread the boards again - my original avenue for soul-liberation. Even more excited that Mr. S will be driving up with me.
"Set an open course for the virgin sea, 'cause I've got to be free..."
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